The Coveted Commandment

Wayne Lewis discusses strategies and perspectives to revise the 10th Commandment. He looks to have released from the Biblical Vaults, the one and only, Coveted Commandment: Thou Shalt Build Wealth, in an effort to open wide the doors to prosperity for all. Consult your clergy, legal, or financial expert for relevant information before making investment decisions. Information revealed within this blog while deemed to be from reliable sources, is not guaranteed.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

PARTICIPATORY INJUSTICE WITHIN THE BLACK COMMUNITY © 2013 by Wayne Dan Lewis, Sr.

Why This Piece

There are six areas that I had intended to focus on for this piece. Instead, I have decided to focus on two areas: Crime and Education. The topic, Participatory Injustice within the Black Community speaks more broadly to our responsibilities as community stakeholders. As stakeholders, we expect a return on our investment when we do what is necessary to ensure that our community grows. What does this mean? It means at least 3 things:

a. We raise our children to respect us (parents and community);

b. We raise our children to respect themselves, and last but not least,

c. We take all reasonable action to protect our children from those who would do them harm, including themselves

These three things are not exclusive to any one culture. It is not a Black or White thing, it is not a Hispanic or Middle Eastern thing. These 3 essential elements are foundational and yet, our children are more often than not, victims in a world that seems to have no regard for our children. How is that? How is it that our children, Children of Color, are the most likely victims of murder, or are the most likely orchestrators or participants of crime?

If we, as a community, are teaching our children respect for us, for themselves, and are protecting them, then how is it that our children makes the 5, 6, 9, 10, and 11o’clock news with such regularity? If we are doing just these three things that I suggest that are foundational, then where are we dropping the ball and what do we need to do save our own children?

Respect for us (parents and community)

As parents, we all take the responsibility of raising our children respectfully. But what does that mean? The only point of reference that I have is how I was raised. My parents, the ones that took me into their home at 6 years old, had to teach me the importance of telling the truth, especially to them. I am not sure that it worked out all of the time, because they had caught me in quite a few doozies. One time, I had to lie for them. But even with that, I still could not lie to them.

The other thing my parents emphasized to me was not to tell their business to everyone, even to other family members. They always wanted me to protect their confidentiality by not repeating things I had heard at the house to others, especially family members. I learned that was very important because family members seemed to always wanted to know something, no matter how seeming innocently they tried to prime me. I always kept my mouth shut.

Respect for us as parents and the community as a whole, in this context, is not necessarily a separate issue. Growing up, if my parents were teaching me right from wrong, then the same right and wrong was the same no matter where they sent me, or where I went. The same right and wrong applied at school, church, at a friend’s house, or at Aunt Sally’s house, for example. It was important then, and it is important now, that our children have an appreciation of what we expect of them. For example: we expect our children not to hang around other children whose parents do not teach the same values as we teach our children. As parents and community, we expect our children to commit to their goals and dreams, and not to be distracted by those who have limited dreams or ambitions. We drill this into our children, theoretically. So, what happens? What changes if we, as parents and community, are doing due diligence to ensure that our children have a clear understanding of what we expect of them?

Respect for themselves

If we expect to see a change in our children, teaching them to have respect for themselves is perhaps the most challenging of the foundational approach to raising children. I am no psychologist, counselor, or parental expert, so, don’t feel compelled to follow so closely on my lead. But, for what it is worth, there aren’t any psychologists, are counselors lining up to help us with our children like talking about it. This is not a stab at these experts, but let’s be real. Society dictates that these are the groups who should provide vital information to us, as parents, in order for us to raise our children properly. But, we can’t afford to have these experts helping us daily with advice to help us raise our children. It’s not free, and it isn’t practical. So, we have to stand together to emphasize real common sense values to help our children to be successful.

Teaching our children respect for themselves, as easy as it would appear, is a daily challenge. From teaching them how to dress like little gentlemen and ladies, to teaching them to not hang around kids who are “bad”, such as kids who steal, curse, or disrespect their parents or other members of the community. Respect for themselves mean not allowing others to use them to do bad things such as acting as a lookout while others are doing something improper. Teaching our children self-respect means not changing how they look in order to fit in with someone who doesn’t like them. And of course, self-respect for our children means emphasizing that they should love themselves too much to let others discourage them from achieving their respective goals. But somewhere, in the midst of all that we do, self-respect maybe getting lost. And who is going to take the blame? Who should we blame? Our children? Why not, isn’t that something else we teach when we are teaching them self respect? You know: Take responsibility for their actions?

We should teach our children to take the blame for their actions, but know that that means whatever we teach our children, they expect to see the same in us. And when the time comes for us to assume responsibility, let’s not go for the easy way out: “I am an adult, do as I say, not as I do.” Easier said than done, but if we are trying to teach our children self-respect, and to respect us, then it may have to be the hard pill that we will have to swallow. I know how hard it is, and too often I have been called on my mistakes by my kids, and I had to bite the bullet. Because of that, I believe that they are better kids, and I thank God for them.

Protecting our children

As I indicated earlier, I want to believe that every culture works to protect its children. The Black community can’t possibly be any different. But, here is where I think I am wrong. I think I am wrong because too often, if not frequently, our children are dying on the streets, in our homes, and in our cars. It becomes our little children who suffer from gunshot injuries, drownings, or locked up in hot cars, sexually abused, or hurt in more ways than it would be important to mention. The bottom line is, we, the Black community, are not protecting our children.

We are not protecting them from drugs (use, or distribution); we are not protecting them from guns (robbery, assault, gang violence, illegal possession), nor, are we protecting our children from the decisions that they may ultimately make that results in them dropping out of school. We are not protecting our children by instilling in them the need to follow their dreams, when all that they want to do is wait on someone else to make their lives better for them. We have failed to protect so many of our children, and as hard as it is to take, we are participants in their detriment.

Participants in the self-destruction of our community

Each time a child is shot and killed, or arrested for a crime, we have to take it personally. We have to feel responsible in some way, shape or form. The children that God has blessed us that we are loosing to violence, or who are dropping out of school are getting younger and younger. This would suggests that we are letting go of their little hands quicker and quicker. It would appear that we are turning our children loose on the world too quickly.

Also, too quickly and too easily, we seem to believe that any and everyone else is to blame. It appears that our responsibility, as a member of our community, is far removed. And that’s where I believe that we are wrong. I think that there is so much that we each can do on some level, yet, so few of us are willing to do one thing different that could make a difference in our young people’s lives. By virtue of this failure on our part, I think that that makes us participants in the destruction of our communities. I think that it makes us responsible, even if by 1/100^th of a percent, if we aren’t doing something significant within our communities to help make a difference not only in the lives of our young people, but in our communities as well.

Taking the Lead

How will we know if what we are doing will make a difference, if we decide to become more involved? We won’t know. And perhaps, we don’t need to know. The point here is that we not take for granted that there is something that we can do that can make a difference. However slight the effort, our young people have to see an improved effort by each and everyone of us that suggests that we are in this for the long haul. Our young people must be able to see a climate of change in how we communicate to not only each other, but to them as well. As a community, we have to take the lead on something as simple as reminding our children to respect themselves and not let others use them for criminal means. As parents, we have to take the lead to remind our kids how much we love them and how much we expect them to remain committed to their dreams and goals.

Taking the lead means that we are doing more to protect our children from those who would otherwise do them harm. It is a lead that we cannot check for progress every three days, three months, or three years, because this is for the long haul. It is the type of lead that requires not relinquishing on something as simple as “I am proud of you,” to “I know you can do better.” Taking the lead means that each of us are committed to holding our heads up and addressing our young people as young men and women, letting them know that we see them and that we believe in them. We can do simple things like these, not looking for a reward, or hoping that someone notices us for what we do, or we can continue to believe that it is someone else’s fault that our children are continuing to go down a slippery slope.

If we can’t take the time to give our children a word of encouragement, then we can assume the role of participants of the injustices that our young people experience everyday by a society that is already writing them off. It’s our choice. I trust that we will make the right one.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

THE ART OF BEATING A BLACK WOMAN DOWN (By Her Man) © 2013 Wayne Dan Lewis, Sr.

Why this piece?

Recently, there were two unedited phone videos here in the New Orleans area on several news channels. The videos were depicting, in both cases, young Black men striking, if not beating a young Black woman without regard to any consequences to themselves, or the physical punishment that they were subjecting the young woman. First of all, this disturbed me deeply, both as a father of a daughter and a son. Secondly, as a Black man. This is not to say that there aren’t other incidents of Black men beating their sisters, however, the turnaround and frequency is perhaps the more shocking.

I am willing to believe that if I looked on line, I could find no shortage of videos depicting not just Black on Black crime, but more disturbingly, Black men engaging recklessly and heinously in acts of violence against, of all people, Black women. To me, if it isn’t too late, the message will be extremely clear to not only the Black community, but to the entire nation, that this is the way Black men treat their women, and that is a very serious message that will be very difficult to undo.

Who is to blame?

Blame is free-flowing. Anyone can be blamed. Many of us won’t stop until we are blaming the victim, herself. And if we want to, then blame her. But be just as quick to blame her assailant, her attacker, her brother, her son, and in no fewer cases, the love of her life, her man. Blame, if you will, the White society at large; blame, if you dare, video games or television; blame if you will, music, sexting[1], or porn. Blame the children, whose mother often defends them against everything, and everyone, and unfortunately, in too many cases, her man, her husband, and above all, her perhaps otherwise worldly ally and counterpart- her man.

Does she bear the blame at some point?

For the sake of argument, and if it will make many of you happy who will find solace in blaming the Black woman for her daily beatings, yes, she is the blame if she continues to put herself, as well as her children, in harm’s way. There, happy? So, if at any point the Black woman can be blamed, but her antagonist has the freedom to beat her, without fear of retaliation, or fear of repercussions, then are we doing an injustice to blame the victim if the attacker, or in too many cases, her assailant, can all but believe that he, as a Black man, was not going to be disrespected by his woman?

And, if it was or is about respect, then the message that our Black men are sending, to our Black sisters, is that respect comes at the end of a fist, or, the back of a hand, or a cutting or stabbing with a knife, or, a threat of, or the actual use of a gun. If that is how respect for our Black men is best achieved, we, as a community, have greatly failed in raising our sons to respect not only our mothers, our sisters, our communities, others, and above all, themselves.

Speaking of respect

The Black man’s quest for respect has long been one since he (and his woman) first landed on Plymouth Rock, or so the story goes. Actually, the disrespect that Black men fights so hard for is actually being diminished by his own hand. The respect that the Black man believes that he deserves from any and every other community, is being shelved, degraded, and/or being all but swallowed up as a result of many of his own self-destructive actions, not the least of which is how he treats his Black sister.

Respect, as many of us as Black men would suggest, is not demanded, but forced. Even in today’s technological world, respect does not come to any of us as we carry ourselves well below a standard that no one respects in anyone. Whether vulgar, or violent, Black women’s continued exposure to mistreatment will result in a consequence far greater than imprisonment, far greater than death, for us, her Black brothers. Like what? I think the toll is becoming obvious, but I will get to that shortly. Hint: Trust

She ain’t nobody

I have not heard this said, so don’t quote me. But we live in a society of perceptions. The perception by the treatment of any one Black woman, who is portrayed in videos as anything other than dignified, suggests that the Black woman is not worth her role in not only the Black community, but the world as a whole. And who is sending that message? The Black woman? The Black male? Perhaps either or both are sending out a message that the Black woman is not serious about getting her respect. For her, it may come down to what she is willing to do to save her family. And who among us can judge a mother who works any number of jobs, or one job with long hours, while her male counterpart can’t seem to find a job, or is always in trouble with the law? That maybe her message, that she is willing to do anything constructive that puts food on the table. And perhaps on the other hand, her male counterpart disregards her role, her eagerness to support her family, or to make something of herself, while he himself sit around and blame everyone else for his failure, including her.

It would appear easy to send a message that a Black woman has no value if the intent is to hide behind one’s own inability to bring something substantive to the table. The message of devaluing our women who are doing the most to secure the family is a lesson well learned, but unfairly portrayed. We may not be telling the world via the Washington Post[2], or the Wall Street Journal[3], but the message comes through loud and clear each time we see raw footage of our Black men hauling off and striking their sisters with all of the hatred they can muster, and hurt with all due intent, possibly causing a concussion, or other seriously bodily injury. The fact that such injury can be inflicted, so frequently, and by a Black man (none of whom need to be identified) against a seemingly defenseless young woman (who needs not to be identified), suggests that we have a very serious problem within the Black community. We are assuming that our Black women have no value, and that because of that misperception, Black men are walking around blindly attacking and degrading our Black women. How soon Black men forget.

The Black Woman, Historically Speaking

There is World History, American History and everyone else’s history after that. For People of Color, their history in America began in Slavery[12]. America would like to forget about that portion of her growth. But all indications are that America will only work to push this painful piece of its history under the rug, if not by deleting it all together, by removing references in history books, or changing the perception of what slavery was right here in America. Additionally, America continues work feverishly to have as negative impact on Black life as possible going forward. For example, a continued look at voting rights and their repeal, voter suppression, mass incarceration of predominantly Black males, as well as the rush to suspend or expel Black males for infractions that would ordinarily require a detention.

Historically, the women mentioned above are no less likely to have suffered the injustices faced by her Black male counterparts. So, when a Black woman, who has to overcome the same adversities that her brothers have to overcome, why is it that she is further victimized in the struggle, by her own brothers? Why should Oprah Winfrey, or Michelle Obama have to worry about a back hand, or any threat of violence from someone with whom they are going through the same thing? Why should Halle Berry, [13] worry about her family being in danger from someone who is no less in danger of being targeted in America because of the color of their skin? Why did Harriett Tubman have to worry about being beaten by her brothers who were just as likely to be lynched, or killed just because they both shared a common denominator: the color of their skin?

Trust

We can’t talk about the issue of us as Black men taking out our frustrations on our sisters of color, if that conversation does not include the word trust. We subject many of our sisters to violence. It would be equivalent to sweeping slavery and Jim Crow under the rug. It happens, and many of us are guilty of putting our women at odds with their roles as sisters in the struggle for equality. The probability of achieving equality as a people will always be subject to many factors. One of those factors is how we treat our sisters. If there is any reason why the African American community will not achieve full parity in America, it will be due to a lack of trust, between the men and women who share that struggle. If the struggle for equality includes violence of man on woman, man on woman’s children, man on woman’s psyche, or any activity that causes his sisters in general to be abused, then that is a struggle that both will be striving through on separate planes. The journey will be diluted and made less worthy for one more than the other. Because as history shows, the Black woman is not going to be counted out in the struggle for equality, or for value. The option for the Black male is to determine whether or not he deserves her trust, or will he have to blend into the landscape of those who are pressed to take her dignity, and beat her down constantly? The trust that she gives initially, when violated and once lost, does not come back without following her ground rules. In other words, her house, her rules.

Taking the Lead

To suggest that Black men are the only ones who beat their women down is not the intent here. I believe that every race has its own share of Domestic Violence[14]. White men, Asian men, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, all races demonstrate their presumed superiority of men over woman. This not an endorsement of violence against women. What the takeaway here is, particularly for Black men, is to take the lead in ceasing and desisting in not only the physical, or sexual, but the mental abuse of our Women of Color. In a country, no scratch that. In a world that judges all of us by superficial factors, and treats others according to their prejudices, wouldn’t it be great if we, as Black men, began a crusade of our own for the benefit of our Black sisters?

It would be a crusade that would be returning to their placing of honor, our sisters, our mothers, our ladies, our queens and princesses, to their pedestals of worship. We would bow down at their feet, and worship the ground that they walked on. Would this be pushing it too much? Why would it? For the Black man, he must forever remember that it is the Black woman who has historically fought for him, even to this day. It has been the Black woman who has stood by him, from slavery, through the Civil War[15], through the Civil Rights Era[16] and even now, as shootings of unarmed Black men are replacing the Sunday lynching picnics. It wouldn’t be too much for worshipping and honoring the women who stand at far too many caskets of children and loved ones, killed by young black men who believe that to be a man, requires threatening and killing one’s own family, one’s own friends, destroying one’s own community, or causing great bodily harm to his woman or sister.

If we as Black men, could lead a crusade that places our women at the forefront of every level of that which we do, we could possibly see the dawn of our rebirth as a people. Never mind how we are perceived. If we would put our women at the very top of our agenda, we would see a side of our women that has yet to be revealed. How do I suppose this? Look at how much she has endured all of these years, all of these centuries. She has cleaned up after everyone else, and continues to be the envy, as quiet as it is kept of all who hate her. Why? Because of the very things that so many would have the world believe they hate about our women, I believe they love: her full lips, her ample bosom, her womanly hips, and big behind. Oh, and dare I forget, her intellectual presence.

Our counterpart, the Black female, the Black woman, doesn’t focus on herself as much as she focuses on everyone else, whether related or not. Wouldn’t it make sense that we, those who seemingly know her best, would find a way to throw roses at her feet, roll out the red carpet, and do everything to ensure that every step she makes is nothing short of walking on a cloud for her royal highness?

If as Black men, we do not see our Black women for their truth worth, then we are digging a grave not only for ourselves, but for our children, and for generations to come. If we aren’t careful, the work that so many of our sisters have done to ensure that we enjoy the freedom that we tentatively have, we will find ourselves in the unenviable position of our Native American brothers and sisters. The key to ensuring that that doesn’t happen is to make sure that we rebuild our relationship with these beautiful women that God has blessed with, who share our struggles, but may not necessarily share our future demise. Why? Because our women will most likely survive us as Black men, and will no doubt go on to achieve greater things, despite, or inspite of the ongoing struggles that are not unique to us as a race. The question before Black men today is, “Are we with them (our Black sisters), or are we against them?”

This is our last and best chance

As Black men, we know all about self-destruction. From taking and selling drugs. We know about selling drugs to our children and in our communities. We know about self-destruction when it comes to using violence against one another, failing to work things out intellectually, while choosing guns, knives and fists to resolve our differences. We know about self-destruction, because as Black men, we see each other as rivals, enemies, and combatants. And now, we have carried that perception to our women. We are on the road to self-destruction, because of our failure to realize that our one remaining ally is now on course to be our rival as well. As Black men, we only have ourselves to blame. But there is hope.

Turning it around

Today is the day. Not, ‘can be the day’, but, ‘must be the day’. Today must be the day, that we, as Black men, begin the crusade to make each and every woman of color realize what fools we have all been. Today is the day that we, as Black men, must take it upon ourselves to cease and desist placing our sisters of color, whether mothers, or literally sisters, in harm’s way. This is the day that we, as Men of Color, say to each other that we put away our physical weapons that we use to intimidate not only one another, but our women as well. Only we can turn this around. Only we can take this situation of self-destruction of not only ourselves, but of our families as well, and ensure the future of who we are. It is our choice that we crusade for our women and families, or we continue down the self-destructive path that sends all of our women on a path greater than we could otherwise travel with them. It is our decision to turn it around and stop beating our Women of Color down, or perish for our thoughtless deeds.

Disclaimer: Unless specified, no one is specifically indicated herein. Any possible reference is coincidental. If you are going through a violent situation, you are advised to contact 911, and seek counseling. No part of this post should be considered legal advice. All information provided is deemed to be from reliable resources but not guaranteed There are no endorsements included in this posting..

Domestic Violence Hotline- http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/

[1] Sexting- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sexting

[2] Washington Post- http://www.washingtonpost.com/

[3] The Wall Street Journal- http://online.wsj.com/itp

[4] Sojouner Truth- http://womenshistory.about.com/od/sojournertruth/Sojourner_Truth.htm

[5] Harriett Tubman- http://womenshistory.about.com/od/aframer18631900/African_American_Women_18641900.htm

[6] Underground Railroad- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underground_Railroad

[7] Michelle Obama-http://www.firstladies.org/biographies/firstladies.aspx?biography=45

[8] Oprah Winfrey- http://www.oprah.com/index.html

[9] Dr. Mae C. Jemison- http://www.enchantedlearning.com/explorers/page/j/jemison.shtml

[10] Congresswoman Barbara Jourdan- http://www.biography.com/people/barbara-jordan-9357991

[11] Sarah Sims Lewis- My adopted mother, 1908-2008

[12] Slavery in America- http://www.pbs.org/wnet/slavery/timeline/1619.html

[13] Halle Berry- http://www.biography.com/people/halle-berry-9542339

[14] Domestic Violence- http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

[15] Civil War- http://www.civilwarhome.com/timeline.htm

[16] Civil Rights Era- http://www.infoplease.com/spot/civilrightstimeline1.html

Monday, September 16, 2013

VOTING AGAINST YOUR BEST INTEREST © 2013 by Wayne Dan Lewis, Sr.

VOTING AGAINST YOUR BEST INTEREST

What does it take to get us into a voting booth? Jobs? Potholes? New schools? The fear of a minority in control? Your best friend from high school? The possibility that things are going to change, once and for all? The right to vote is a very private one. Who we vote for, why we vote for them, or what party we belong to, is really no one’s business. So if we vote for someone or an issue that someone else doesn’t like, does that constitute voting against our best interest? Only we who cast our respective votes will know for sure.

But, as private as voting is, it is a community right as well that those who vote, or who choose not to vote, get a fair and equal opportunity to make their choices. It is important that nothing, or no one obstructs our right to vote, regardless of how direct or subliminal. Unfortunately, as many of us know, that is not always the case. Voting is so important to our American way of life, that there are those who may take the risk of pre-empting the constitution to prevent, or obstruct other American citizens the right to vote.

But on the other hand, there are those of us who choose not to vote. Why is that? Yes, it is a private decision, understandably. But, is it not a valid question? What keeps many of us from voting? What keeps so many of us, as American citizens, from taking the time to early vote, to send in our absentee ballots, or just showing up at the voting polls? How many “good excuses” do we have for not participating in the voting process? In the interest of full disclosure, I have missed a few voting events myself. My excuses were:

1. I didn’t like any of the candidates, or,

2. I put everything that day ahead of voting, and when I finally had the time, it was too late.

But I rarely miss voting. I know how important it is, and when I have missed the opportunity, on those rare occasions, I felt extremely guilty.

I ask these questions while I reflect on several presidential elections of recent years. One of those presidential elections that I reflect on is the one in 2000, between former Vice President Al Gore[1] and then former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush[2], which was ultimately determined by the United States Supreme Court.[3]

I also reflect on the Presidential Election of 2008,[4] between then, Senator John McCain of Arizona[5], and then, Senator Barack Obama[6] that ended with America’s first African American President. And lastly, I reflect on the presidential election of 2012. That election resulted in America’s affirmation of President Obama’s work, by returning him to the presidency

Each of these 3 elections were a remarkable turn of events in American history.

Many of us were fortunate to not only witness these last 3 presidential events, but to also participate in the voting process that for good or bad, or for better or worse, resulted in that part of American history moving forward. Many of us were disgruntled, angry, mad, excited, filled with exhilaration, and perhaps, extremely emotional by the results of any one of these events. And reasonably so. Many of us voted for what we believed was in our best interest. Or, did we? Of course we did, didn’t we?

Let’s see: We voted in our best interest when we voted either Democrat or Republican; we voted in our best interest whether we voted Liberal or Conservative, and no doubt, we voted in our own best interest when we voted for the first black president from Chicago, IL, as we did when we voted for the POW candidate from Arizona. We knew that for all we were worth, if we voted, we were voting our in our own best interest, maybe. What decisions could have made a difference in how we voted in just those 3 presidential elections? I can only suggest five decisions that could have affected our decisions to vote one way or another, and perhaps, these decisions may have affected our best interest. Here are the five:

Voting along racial lines- It is without question that many people who voted for President Obama may have not voted for him if he were not black, including non-blacks. Is that a good thing? Let’s agree, race is a very important part of our decisions to vote, whether we admit to it or not. We have been taught this, however subliminally, that in America, only white males can be leaders. We have been taught, subliminally, that the presidency, for example, should only be held by white males. The underlying message seems to be that not even white women should run for the presidency. But through the years, positions of political leadership have gradually eroded from the perception that only white males can hold roles of leadership, especially in our politics, and even in corporations. Today, because many Americans have registered to vote, and in some cases disagreed with many of the philosophies often promoted by white males in leadership, many Americans, from varying backgrounds, race, creed, religions, and color, sought to promote people from their own communities. Blacks wanted Blacks to represent their communities; Hispanics wanted Hispanics to represent their communities, and so on, including Asians, Native Americans, and others. All of whom believed that they could best be represented by someone who looked the most like them. Or, so they believed. But, history is beginning to show that even those who look like you don’t necessarily have your best interest. Many of you may disagree, so disagree at will. The idea of voting someone primarily because they have the same skin color, or perhaps the same sex as you, or even because they have the same religious background, would seem to suggest that we are lazy. It doesn’t mean that we are lazy, just suggests it, and here is why.

In today’s world of easily accessible information, the ability to research a candidate’s background and to find our who they truly are, is very important. If a candidate’s background, or field of experience does nothing to move the community forward, would it make sense to vote for him or her if their only common denominator is that they look like you? Or, if the only common denominator is that they are from our old high school? Or, if you and they share the same hairdresser? Voting should seem more important than that, I believe. Do you disagree?

Voting for or against someone whose ideals are inconsistent with a popular issue via “fear-mongering[7]”. When we talk about popular issues, we are speaking about issues such as abortion (Roe v. Wade[8]), the 2^nd Amendment,[9] Affirmative Action[10], or Obamacare[11]. As the 2014 elections come around, the Affordable Healthcare Act[12], or Obamacare will continue to be an issue that Conservatives will target as a taxing issue, literally. And this not to pick on the Republicans. (This is not a Republican bashing post, I am an independent. Democrats are not exempt here). The fact that Obamacare focuses on preventing insurance companies from dropping those with terminal illnesses, and does not include abortion, is of no consequence. So, fear-mongering is the order of the day. The messages seems to be:

“Obamacare must go, or we will be taxed into oblivion!” Or,

“Obamacare must go, or there will be abortions at the ready when Obamacare is fully implemented”, and the fear mongering continues.

Additionally, the 2^nd Amendment is another hot button issue. If the President of the United States can be portrayed in any way, shape, or form as having an agenda to “take our weapons”, he will be portrayed as being the president capable of violating, or even repealing the 2^nd Amendment. As we have all seen, this level of campaigning, “fear mongering” often results in otherwise good, intelligent, law-abiding, God-fearing citizens running for the sporting goods stores, or gun shops buying up every type of weapon and ammunition believing that they will never be able to own a gun again. Or, that every gun that they ever owned will be confiscated, on general principal.

Voting for those who have a history of holding offices, but whose accomplihments are lacking (What have they done for you lately?)- Our constitution, and our various state and city charters allow us to decide on who to vote for within certain guidelines. One of those guidelines is term-limits. Depending on the office, some candidates can almost hold public office for an indeterminable amount of time, or so it seems. Or, there are candidates who seem to be great at jumping from one office to another, and yet, we vote for them. No harm, no foul, because it’s legal. It’s America, and unless there is a violation of law, let’s just go with it. What harm can come from voting for the same candidates over and over again? What harm can come from politicians who eventually establish dynasties by their family members occupying any number of offices throughout the community, yet, the community moves forward at a snail’s pace, if at all? If voting for someone new frightens us, then we should continue to vote for those whose history of success does no more than solidify their future in public office. Again, no laws are broken, and it is far from unethical that political dynasties exists. I’m just saying.

Voting blindly without researching the background of existing or new candidates-Chronic voting is a good thing, right? Maybe, but not if chronic voting means we just walk our little happy feet into the voting booth and we haven’t done our homework. It only means self-satisfaction that we are chronic voters if we are doing everything reasonable to ensure that our vote not only counts, but that we are voting responsibly.

Not voting at all- It is a big responsibility to vote. But that responsibility is just as important if, as American citizens, we don’t exercise the right to vote. People of Color should appreciate this right now more than ever. The fact that the United States Supreme Court has just ruled to remove certain provisions from the Voting Rights Act of 1965[13] should give People of Color great pause. The repercussions are yet to come, but they will be coming. For those of us who choose not to vote, regardless of our heritage, the failure to take advantage of this right is as dangerous as voting for someone who means no good to the values that we hold dear. How is that? Think about it. Not voting is voting. It is the one time “No” means “Yes”. By not voting, it gives consent to those whose agenda maybe counter-productive to the community at large, to carry out the very ideals and programs that our vote could have prevented or made possible. But, it’s our individual choice not to vote, and we have the right not to vote, even it is essentially voting against our own best interest.

Conclusion

These five areas may not apply to any one of us. But, it is possible that we are influenced by fear mongering. Or maybe, we do our homework by researching each and every candidate and issue that we vote for. In either case, we are doing what the constitution allows. And if we are, then choosing to vote for the same candidates over and over, or candidates who look like us, are the rights that the constitution also provides, and if so, what harm is it? No harm! No foul!

Maybe, I am over analyzing, and perhaps, I just needed an article to post, but the 2014 mid-term elections are coming up, very quickly. And then, to be followed up by the 2016 Presidential election. These elections will be filled with candidates and issues that will no doubt be filled with fear mongering, possible voter suppression activities, as well as the usual array of back-biting, mud-slinging that makes American politics what it is. What we, as Americans have to decide, is whether to vote for or against anyone who remotely agrees with abortion, or the taking of our guns in violation of the 2^nd Amendment is really the issue that affects our decisions to vote. We have to decide how important it is to vote for someone who looks like us because of the color of their skin, or the fact that they are a woman, or whether they have the same sexual orientation, or not. These elections will be filled with campaign promises from Democrats and Republicans that all but promise the moon, while delivering far short of the stars that either party is willing to fulfill. Yet, for us to be swayed by any issues that are blatantly untrue, or lacking substance, is in itself, against our best interest.

Our future generations are depending upon us to draw conclusions about their future based on substantive issues that help them to be successful. Our future generations can’t be successful if, as in the 2012 Presidential election, voter suppression was running rampant. Our future generations can’t expect to be successful if we, who have the opportunity to make a positive change in our American society, decide that voting was so insignificant, that not voting was a choice that so many of us make today, and perhaps forfeited the future for the better. But that’s okay, voting is a private matter, but let’s not forget, it has a public impact. So, in conclusion, any vote that is not cast, or cast for any reason that is made blindly, and without consideration for what the candidate(s) brings to the table, cannot benefit our community. Any such vote is a vote made against our best interest, individually, as well as, collectively. It’s our choice to continue voting as we do, where the end result is for our communities to remain unchanged, and lacking economic benefit in the form of jobs, job training, vital infrastructure improvements, schools, or any other improvements that makes our community a great place to be and live. It’s our choice to vote, but it’s in our community’s best interest how we all vote.

Disclaimer: Information deemed to be from reliable sources but not guaranteed. Consult your respective representatives regarding your community’s future. No one person, persons living or dead are implied by this posting. Any incident suggested is coincidental, your situations may vary.

[1] Vice President Al Gore- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Gore_presidential_campaign,_2000

[2] President George W. Bush- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_W._Bush_presidential_campaign,_2000

[3] Presidential Election 2000- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2000

[4] Presidential Election 2008- http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/president/

3 Presidential Election 2012- http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2012/

[5] Senator John McCain- http://www.mccain.senate.gov/public/

[6] Senator Barack Obama- http://www.biography.com/people/barack-obama-12782369

[7] Fear mongering- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_mongering

[8] Roe V. Wade- http://www.pbs.org/wnet/supremecourt/rights/landmark_roe.html

[9] The 2^nd Amendment- http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/second_amendment

[10] Affirmative Action- http://www.dol.gov/ofccp/regs/compliance/pdf/sampleaap.pdf

[11] Obamacare- http://obamacarefacts.com/obamacare-facts.php

[12] Affordable Healthcare Act- http://www.yourhealthcaresimplified.org/?utm_source=msn&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=seer_upmc_health+care_exp_national

[13] Voting Rights Act and the U.S. Supreme Court 2013- http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/12pdf/12-96_6k47.pdf

Sunday, September 8, 2013

CHANGING THE CONVERSATION © 2013 By Wayne Dan Lewis, Sr.

Let us pray:

Dear God, we are thankful for this, another day. Thank you for all of your bountiful blessings. Thank you for family and friends, and for allowing each of us to wake up this morning with the gift of our right minds, and able to appreciate far too many blessings for each of us to count. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

Dear God, we ask, if you will, to make us an instrument of your peace. We ask that you touch every part of our bodies, where our hands are used to uplift those less fortunate; that you will touch our eyes, where we are able to show the way to those who cannot see. Touch our hands, Heavenly Father, make them tools for peace and brotherhood. Touch our hearts that we maybe more like you, loving, understanding and forgiving. Touch our tongues that we may communicate universally in a way that each and everyone of us, speak the language of love, as you demonstrate to us by the sunshine and the moon, the wind and the rain, the waters and the trees. And when we forget Heavenly Father who you are, the Creator of all mankind, touch our minds, and remind us that without you, we are not whole. These and many other blessings we pray in your Son, Jesus’ name, Amen.

The Loss of Lives

We want to remember the lives lost due to violence throughout our country and, all around the world. Now, that’s a tall order to fill. But, then again it is not. In New Orleans, within the last month, at least 2 children (13 month old Londyn Samuels[1] and Arabian Gayles[2]) were killed due to gun violence. The frequency of these violent incidents raises the question of what type of conversations are we having not only here in New Orleans and surrounding areas, but also in Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, in the Middle East, and/or even China?

It may see irrelevant that the conversations that we have here in New Orleans regarding the violence that take the lives of our children and loved ones is related to the same violence that we are in debate regarding Syrian chemical attacks[3], but not necessarily. There may appear to be no significant relevance between the Sandy Hook School Shootings[4] and the Columbine Shootings[5], as compared to the school shootings in Scotland[6], but there is a relevance. There is just as much relevance between the shootings as there are between the Boston bombings 2012[7] as the 9/11 attack of 2001[8]. The relevance is not just death but the destruction of communities, and the continuing disregard for life, as well as the continued divisiveness necessary to continue our distrust of and hatred of one another. All of these incidents, no matter how seemingly irrelevant, are indeed relevant, as long as there is a disregard for life, as long as those who are the orchestrators of violence continue to talk the talk that results in these senseless acts of violence, we need to begin changing the conversations, right at our family tables.

”What are you going to be when you grow up?”

I can’t imagine a parent in this world who has not asked their child what do they want to be when they grow up. And like many children, they seemed to always want to be something fantastic! A lot of times the answers seemed to be made to order, that is to say that the child answered just right. It would seem to make their parents extremely happy in their child’s choice of career path because many children (including myself) seemed to always want to be something that would make their parents happy.

As a parent, I know that my wife and I tried to influence our children along their dreams, or what we thought their dreams were to become. I know that my own parents, Sarah and Dan, tried to prepare me to become the “doctor” or “lawyer” that I said I wanted to be by making sure that I was always in school. I and my wife both apparently learned the importance of ensuring that our children needed to be in school. So, when we look at our children today, 24 and 33 years of age, not having necessarily achieved the dreams of their youth, but as their parents, we couldn’t be any prouder for whom they have become, and therefore, we have to believe that we must have done something right. So, what conversations did we have? And what conversations do other parents have whose children manage to escape a tremendous amount of the dangers and issues that plague so much of our society?

Why is this a Coveted Commandment topic?

The concept of the Coveted Commandment addresses specifically the idea of building wealth. Theoretically, the Coveted Commandment looks at the 10^th commandment and says, there is something wrong with a commandment that condemns one for aspiring to achieve what others have. But if it is wrong to condemn others for their aspirations, it is equally unsettling that many of our conversations end, not begin with, “let’s kill” in order to achieve what it is we desire to have in life. We are not evening talking about the 6^th Commandment which forbids killing or murdering, we are well beyond any of the 10 commandments, in that our conversations are strictly about taking lives, regardless of the benefit, let alone, the cost to our communities, our cities, and our country. It leaves the door open to say, if only we were coveting, this would be less of a problem. But coveting is the least of our problems when as a society, killing for sport, innocent people, from children to adults, means that our conversations are so based, so inadequate, that the only solution is to talk, and its time to change our conversations, if we want to see a change not only in our communities, but throughout the world. We have to change our conversations, immediately, so that the worst we could be accountable for, is coveting.

Perfect parents raise perfect children

Let’s not be misunderstood that we believe that we raised perfect children. And let us not falsely convey that we were perfect parents. In all actuality, it may have little to do with being the perfect parents, as much as it was the perfect message. From my parents and my wife’s parents, the perfect message was short and sweet: “You’re going to go to school….” “You’re going to make something of yourself….” Or, “You’re going to get a job…”

Perhaps not in these specific contexts, but by today’s children’s standards, the above messages were clear, subtle, or but not ambiguous. The overall message was without a need for discussion, or debate. “You are going to….” The timing of these messages too, were seemingly unscheduled, but timely. They may have come at moments when we least have expected them. For example: when we wanted to watch our favorite TV program. “You are going to finish your homework before you watch any TV!” There was no debate, or negotiations.

Another example of the conversation(s) that we had with our parents would be, “When you get out of school, come straight home…” Did you sense there was an option? No, it was without question. Many conversations about school and the future with my parents could be seen by how they found themselves at school on my behalf. There were times when my parents had to go to school for me. Yes, I was a hard-head. I talked too much in class. I did a lot of detention, but I also got my butt whipped. My parents were not able to attend my school events all of the time. They worked odd hours, but they would drop me off, or let me go with someone else’s parents. There was always a knowing of where I was, or who I was with, when I wasn’t being sneaky. And sneaking around almost cost me an eye. So, I had to be careful how I deviated from the sternness of my parents.

We know that our children weren’t perfect (there goes that word perfect again), because we weren’t perfect. But our kids, well, we believe as any parents would believe, our kids were good kids. They had lots of friends, lots of toys, and lots of love. So our conversations with our children had to be as loving and unambiguous as the love our parents had for us.

Who Changed the Conversation?

I graduated from Booker T. Washington Senior High School, Class of 1974. The school, at that time was surrounded by B.W. Cooper Housing Development. Many of the students who lived in B.W. Cooper attended Booker T. I, on the other hand, lived several miles away in the lower 9^th Ward. Booker T. was said to be a better school because it taught several trades, none of which I signed up for, but I did well from 10^th to 12^th grade. My parents chose Booker T. over then Caver High School, which was located near 2 housing developments- Desire and Florida. Carver served a larger population of students, and my parents feared for my safety because of my small size (or, that’s what I was told). Never mind I was near the Magnolia Housing Development, the Melpomene Housing Development, or the aforementioned B.W. Cooper Development, as long as I was safe.

Thinking back on those times, regardless of where I attended school, there were very few people whom I knew, who even if they did drugs, weed, pot, or what have you, did not ever seem disinterested in going to school. There were kids who dropped out of schook, but they could be seen on someone else’s job site, wearing a hard hat, or wearing a shirt and tie. Sure, there were some who sat in the back of the class, slept through some classes, but they always seemed to come alive around the end of the semester to get their D’s. It seemed now, that as I look back, the conversations with many of the kids of my era, was the same. “You’re going to school…” “You’re going to make something of yourself…” “You’re going to get a job!” So, as I look at many of our young people of today, particularly our young men, I wonder to myself, who changed the conversation?

Who says to our young people today, “You can lay around, if you like…”? Or, “You can drop out of school, it’s okay…” Who changed the conversations between our young people and their parents that allows them to believe that if they don’t put any effort into building their lives, that the world is going to still make it easy for you? And who, changed the conversation that allows our children to believe that they can live their lives however they want, whether they do drugs, shoot and kill each other as well as innocent babies, that the world would turn their heads and everything would be alright? Who?

The other conversation that has changed

Again, it wasn’t perfect coming up. We had bad-ass kids. I was no angel. We had kids get put out of school. But if my memory served me right, their parents had the other conversation. “If you are not going to go to school, you’re going to work! You are not going to lay up around here all day!” Or, words to that effect. That was the apparent conversation. Today, please correct me if I am wrong, that conversation, such that it was, has changed. Who changed that conversation as well?

Are We Too Busy to Talk to Our Children?

Many of us as parents are extremely busy, so we barely have time for ourselves, let alone our children to engage in a constructive conversation. So, even though our children have the gift of gab, and are very smart, who do they ultimately talk to? Who indeed? The kids on the playground, whose parents may not talk to them either. Speculative as this maybe, I am going to hold fast to this speculation until no more babies are killed, on the regular (slang). My contention is, no matter how busy we all are, talking to our children, on the regular, is paramount to ensuring our children know how much we love them.

If we are too busy to talk to our children, we should be sure to put in our place, family and friends who share our values. Too often, we want to put our children with anyone who says that they will watch our children. We need to be careful as to those who watch our children who drink heavily, and/or do drugs in our presence, and know that they don’t necessarily change their behavior just because your child is in their presence. As best that many of us can tell, our children maybe just ripe for them to teach many of the bad habits that they themselves practice.

As busy as we maybe, we should never be too busy to know whom we can trust our children to. It becomes all evident by the conversations that we often have in general. We have every clue about the conversations that our children are going to be exposed to, whether family or friends, there should be no inconsistency in whom our children are learning from and gaining needed inspiration to achieve their dreams.

Does scolding, fussing, and spanking count?

Yes, but, everything in moderation, of course. Scolding, fussing and spanking is only productive for so long, and only when either of the three is not the only means of communication. Scolding, fussing and spanking our children should not be the only manner in which our children relate to us. Coming home from school, going to the grocery store, on the playground, or getting up first thing in the morning shouldn’t necessarily be dominated by scolding, fussing and spankings. How is a child supposed to appreciate a relationship that is combative, extremely strict, or lacking any substantive means of communication, about them, as a person? Talking to our children is key to building their self-esteem and their overall worth. Will it make them the perfect child? The probability is higher if more conversation are included. The probability of a more perfect child is greater when the conversations centers around what they like, who they like, what they don’t like, and what are their dreams (or, so I have heard). No, I am no expert, but no one else is speculating.

At least, if scolding, fussing and spanking is something one does with love as opposed to anger, it could be appreciated further down the road, that you, as a parent took the time to correct them, or to put them in check, and possibly save them from a life less desired.

Our current conversations, however slight, are based on “no value of life”

Children getting killed is not new. But it is always horrific. I can remember crying when I heard about a young 13 year old boy being killed in the 9^th ward back in the 90’s. I was grown a man. I didn’t know the little fellow. But I remember asking myself, with tears in my eyes, why is this was happening? I have cried over a number of killings in this city. Not because I knew the victims, but because I too have felt helpless. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for the families and friends of those who lost their loved ones to violence. It was a terrible tragedy then, and no less now as a set of parents have buried their 13 month-old daughter who was recently killed as her babysitter was shot in the back, in New Orleans.[9]

Other babies killed:

v In the State of New York, August 2013, a baby was shot while in her stroller.[10]

v In the City of Chicago, a baby was shot 5 times while perpetrators shot father twice; [11]

v In the State of Georgia, March 2013, a baby was shot while in her stroller, 2 teens charged;[12]

These precious souls are a snapshot in time of the violence that permeates America’s streets. And while many of us will ask what is happening, we know what is happening. We just don’t want to come face to face with the fact that we are avoiding conversation(s) with our children, many of whom are perpetrators or accessories to the fact, of murder. It is unfathomable that children whose parents talk to them, or talk with them, or spend any quality time with their children, will have children who resort to this level of violence. I can’t believe that. Correct me, if I am wrong.

Violence offers little respect for the value of life

But let us also take the time to look beyond our own backyards. Contrary to many of our beliefs, violence is a problem that knows no borders, and respects very few of us irrespective our innocence, or income. Violence is no respecter of law, of community, ideas, ideals, values, or allegiance. The Boston Bombing in April of 2013[13], showed no concern for the value of life; Sandy Hook Elementary in December 2012 [14] showed no concern for the value of life; The shooter who wounded Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords January 2011, killing 6 people and wounding several others, had no respect for the value of life; the shooters in the most historical school shooting across America, had no respect for the value of life, killing 13 and wounding 21 in the Columbine Shooting of 1999; the shootings at Dunblame, Scotland in 1992, respected no value of life, and last but not least, right here in the early part of the 21^st century, within the borders of Syria, there is no respecter of life, when innocent lives are said to be taken due to chemical warfare (debatable as to blame, the Syria government or the Syrian Rebels), but nevertheless, innocent lives were at stake, and innocent lives were taken. From all of these situations, and many like them throughout the world, we have to wonder, how did these conversation start where the end result would be the taking of innocent lives?

Are you a psychologist, psychiatrist, sociologist, or any kind of expert?

There is no doubt in my mind, that each of us believe that we know the answer to the problems that our communities face locally. And truth be told, I do believe that we all do know the solutions that would make our communities better. Productive and safer. But I also believe that our elected officials know the answer. I am sure that Police Officers know the answers. I believe that Teachers know the answers, as well. I believe that psychologists, sociologists, dermatologists, cosmetologists, and perhaps even our gardners know the solution to the problems that we face in our communities. To coin a phrase, “it doesn’t take a rocket scientist” to determine what the problem is in our society when our babies are being killed, on the regular (slang), as though it is a sport. So, what is the answer? My answer is that the conversations that we have, or fail to have with our children, have taken a toll on the minds of many of our young people, especially outside the home.

I am no expert. But for all that it matters, the experts are in hibernation. I believe that the experts are out to lunch. I believe that the so-called experts, those who could make a difference in our various communities, to help us turn so many lost lives around, are on the take. I believe that the experts are afraid to step out and call out those who are orchestrating drugs, violence and guns. I believe that the experts are out of touch, or out of concern for whether or not another 13 month old gets killed on the streets of New Orleans, Chicago, New York, or Atlanta. I am no expert, but if what I had to say had any weight, I would only recommend that parents have a long, long, long conversation with their children. Listen to what their children are saying; engage our children and find out what they are afraid of as well. Or, as parents, we need to change the conversations that we are having, because we are loosing too many of our children, and the experts have hung out their “Gone fishin’” sign. I believe the experts, who are often on the government’s payroll, are subject to restrictions that may result in lawsuits, or maybe, result in our children being placed in programs that stifle their dreams, rather than open doors that make it possible for them to achieve their greatest potential.

How do we solve this problem?

Obviously it must be a very simple, and inexpensive solution, because no one is willing to sit down and talk to our young people. Yes, we will put a musical instrument, video game, or maybe sit our children down in front of a TV to keep their minds occupied, but how much do we talk to our children? Yes, we may put them in some type of extra curricular activity such as football, basketball, tennis, or ballet, but, how much do we actually talk to our children? Or, if we are really lucky, we will push our children off on some relatives, friends, or nursery where they will watch them for endless numbers of hours until our children barely know who we are, but conversation? We give our children very little.

We have had those conversations before

For many of us as parents, we have had those conversations before with our children, but they still get in trouble. What do we do? Stop talking? I remember parents who used to say, “I have talked to that boy until I am blue in the face, and he still won’t behave!” How do we as parents measure the right amount of talking to our children if they are still a problem child? We have to know that if even if we have 2 or 3 children, that each one deserves their own special amount of attention. We may have one child whom you can say, “go do your homework”, and they would go without so much as a whimper. We may have another child whom we have to tell 3 or 4 times to go do their homework, and then we may have to check her on every 10 or 20 minutes. And then, there is the child who doesn’t listen to anyone. No matter who talks to them, no matter how much we talk to this one child, there appears to be nothing that we can say to bring them around. So which one do we focus most on? As parents, we do not have that choice. We have to remain as committed as ever to interact with each and everyone of our children, believing that every child can be saved.

If there is a possibility for one child, we have to believe that maybe the conversation is more about what we want, not what they want. The problems can’t all be handled alone. There are professionals, or experts who, for a fee, will provide some type of meaningful guidance. We can’t always be the lone solution, just don’t turn our children completely over to someone else. Our children have to know that we haven’t abandoned them. We just have to know who and know when we can’t handle our problem child by ourselves. Hint: The police aren’t the answer. And speaking of alternatives…

Alternative(s)

Can there be an alternative to not talking with our children? Can there be an option to not having the conversation that may ultimately save our children’s lives? I am not any of the specialists or so-called experts that can be called on (for a small fee) to tell us what our children need in order to be successful. I only bring to the table the fact that I am a father. When do I stop being a father? Until I die. But, I can’t resist the opportunity to be a father to other children; or other people, whom despite being younger or older than myself; who despite their ages in some cases (grown-ups), I still take them on the side and talk to them, fatherly. And surprisingly enough, they listen. Are there other alternatives to talking to our children?

I don’t think that we should have alternatives to communicating with our children. But I do believe that there should be supplemental activities to communicating. Such as? Such as being at the sporting events or dance classes that we put them into. I think that we should go to their plays at school. I think that we should go and meet with their teachers and talk to their teachers. I believe that we should partner with the teachers that teach our children and thank them immensely for their contributions to our children’s future.

Supplemental to talking with our children, we should eat with our children, have lunch, or dinner. If our children only eat their lunch or dinner alone because we left something in the refrigerator, then we are taking valuable time away from learning something very important about our son or daughter. For example, we might learn that they decided to become a priest, a tightrope walker, or a fireman. Maybe, if we spend supplemental time with our children, we may discover that they have a crush on their teacher, or someone in another classroom. Maybe, if we have supplemental time with our children, we may find out just how smart they are in geography, English or math.

Feel free to ask the experts. Any of these suggestions could work if we take the time to have a conversation with our children. The experts know more than I do. After all, I am just a father, a parent, and a grandfather, who talks with his children, not at them.

Pawpaw, will you read to me “The Selfish Giant”?

If there is a real secret to ensuring our children’s success, it is reading to them. There are many who would try to find a way for someone else to read to their children. Some parents may try to find a way to put their voices on video or some other recording device so that their children could always hear their voices when they weren’t available. That maybe a good start, but what could be a better start than having a big book with colorful pictures, and characters reading to our little ones? For us, as parents, it worked before, so now, we have our grandson. He didn’t like for us to read to him at first. But, gradually he would sit through 2 or 3 pages. We would ask him (age 4 then) if he remembered what was read to him and he would start telling us about what was read to him. But it took a while before one day after we had read a story to him and he asked: “Pawpaw, next time I come here, will you read ‘The Selfish Giant’ to me?” It was a story that we had read to him before, and I thought that he didn’t like it. But he asked that we read this very unassuming story to him, again. It was a surprise. A very pleasant surprise.

Wait till your daddy gets home!

Early on in my life, I had met friends who have come from large families. Some families as large as 10 to 13 kids, same mother, same daddy. They fought among each other a lot, but were very protective of each other. But, they never got into trouble at school. Some of them were trouble-some but not troubling. 10-13 different personalities, oftentimes in small homes. Their mothers fussed at them, their daddy’s punished them. But they all ate at the same table. Imagine what the conversations were like at those tables! There were a lot of elbows that had to be taken off of the tables. I bet there were a lot of “Don’t talk with your mouths full!” I am sure there were a lot of “Say excuse before leaving the table’s”. Oh, and I am sure there were a lot of “Bow your heads, and let us say grace’s”.

I point these images out, as I remember them, because I don’t remember any of those kids growing up ever shooting babies. I don’t remember them doing drugs. I remember fathers working and mothers staying at home. I remember my friends fearing the worst because that old familiar refrain was very frightening: “Wait till your father gets home!” Whatever that meant to them, it scared the be-jesus out of me. I knew what that meant at my house, shucks there were 10-13 of them. Who was going to get it, when “your father gets home”?

Here is the thing, in houses where these situations happened, the conversations were silly, and perhaps meant very little. The conversations however were a subterfuge to the underlying goal: to make sure that all 10-13 kids went to and finished school. If they wanted to go to college, they were on their own, but high school was not an option. They were going to get up everyday and go to school. They were going to behave in school, and they were going to come home and do their homework. They could play after homework. Eating the prepared meals was not an option, and eating at the table, as a family was imperative, take their baths, and lights were out by 9-everybody, mother and father as well. These were tightly run ships/homes. And the kids were never more happy. What must those conversations have been like? Priceless, is my guess. Who changed those conversations of my youth?

Who changed conversations of my youth from just playing football, or baseball, or just playing with dolls to doing drugs, guns, settling differences by shooting or killing, dropping out of school, and domestic violence? Who changed those conversations where families could set the rules? Where police officers were never involved in the raising of children? Who changed those conversations from “Come home straight after school” to juvenile detention centers overflowing to capacity because parents “can’t” control their kids? Who changed the conversations that took children from their homes, and turned them not only against their parents, but their communities, and ultimately, turned themselves against their own dreams? Who?

Changing those conversations back to the old days is hardly a possibility. We are not going to be able to put that genie back in the bottle. But, let’s all agree that the conversations of yesteryear that kept families together, are vital today. Many of our parents didn’t have degrees, they just had passion. They had a deep-seated love and a stern look that let us know that they weren’t playing around. Changing the conversations of today for our young people will take a tremendous effort, because well, we want change immediately. We want our children to be good boys and girls, but we will have to change our conversations so that every time we engage them, we are good fathers and mothers. We will have to change our conversations so that what we tell our children will inspire them to achieve the dreams that they are able to accomplish.

The key to changing our conversations with our children is that we all must be in one accord. We all must adopt a conversational formula that is just as eminent at school as it is at home. Our conversations to our children, must include words such as goals, achievement, success, and graduation. Our conversations must return to a time where we, as parents and community, share the same passion to encourage as we did when we were growing up. We must work to recapture that best teacher; that best coach, or that best church member, all of whom reached out to us, and who were always able to find something special about us that made us want to be the best that we could be.

What is significant about changing the current conversations that discourage our children is that we do not need permission to inspire, or encourage. We don’t need permission to give our children a hug, or a congratulatory handshake. We don’t need permission to take them out for a special lunch, or a snack. As long as our time spent with out children is built on the love that we knew we craved and deserved as children ourselves, we should have no trouble in recapturing and creating as similar an environment that we either missed out on, or that was created for us coming up.

Disclaimer: Information provided here is speculative. Please consult with your clergy, child psychologist, legal representative or mental health profession. Information provided here while deem reliable is not guaranteed.