The Coveted Commandment: CHANGING THE CONVERSATION © 2013 By Wayne Dan Lewis, Sr.

Let us pray:

Dear God, we are thankful for this, another day. Thank you for all of your bountiful blessings. Thank you for family and friends, and for allowing each of us to wake up this morning with the gift of our right minds, and able to appreciate far too many blessings for each of us to count. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

Dear God, we ask, if you will, to make us an instrument of your peace. We ask that you touch every part of our bodies, where our hands are used to uplift those less fortunate; that you will touch our eyes, where we are able to show the way to those who cannot see. Touch our hands, Heavenly Father, make them tools for peace and brotherhood. Touch our hearts that we maybe more like you, loving, understanding and forgiving. Touch our tongues that we may communicate universally in a way that each and everyone of us, speak the language of love, as you demonstrate to us by the sunshine and the moon, the wind and the rain, the waters and the trees. And when we forget Heavenly Father who you are, the Creator of all mankind, touch our minds, and remind us that without you, we are not whole. These and many other blessings we pray in your Son, Jesus’ name, Amen.

The Loss of Lives

We want to remember the lives lost due to violence throughout our country and, all around the world. Now, that’s a tall order to fill. But, then again it is not. In New Orleans, within the last month, at least 2 children (13 month old Londyn Samuels[1] and Arabian Gayles[2]) were killed due to gun violence. The frequency of these violent incidents raises the question of what type of conversations are we having not only here in New Orleans and surrounding areas, but also in Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, in the Middle East, and/or even China?

It may see irrelevant that the conversations that we have here in New Orleans regarding the violence that take the lives of our children and loved ones is related to the same violence that we are in debate regarding Syrian chemical attacks[3], but not necessarily. There may appear to be no significant relevance between the Sandy Hook School Shootings[4] and the Columbine Shootings[5], as compared to the school shootings in Scotland[6], but there is a relevance. There is just as much relevance between the shootings as there are between the Boston bombings 2012[7] as the 9/11 attack of 2001[8]. The relevance is not just death but the destruction of communities, and the continuing disregard for life, as well as the continued divisiveness necessary to continue our distrust of and hatred of one another. All of these incidents, no matter how seemingly irrelevant, are indeed relevant, as long as there is a disregard for life, as long as those who are the orchestrators of violence continue to talk the talk that results in these senseless acts of violence, we need to begin changing the conversations, right at our family tables.

”What are you going to be when you grow up?”

I can’t imagine a parent in this world who has not asked their child what do they want to be when they grow up. And like many children, they seemed to always want to be something fantastic! A lot of times the answers seemed to be made to order, that is to say that the child answered just right. It would seem to make their parents extremely happy in their child’s choice of career path because many children (including myself) seemed to always want to be something that would make their parents happy.

As a parent, I know that my wife and I tried to influence our children along their dreams, or what we thought their dreams were to become. I know that my own parents, Sarah and Dan, tried to prepare me to become the “doctor” or “lawyer” that I said I wanted to be by making sure that I was always in school. I and my wife both apparently learned the importance of ensuring that our children needed to be in school. So, when we look at our children today, 24 and 33 years of age, not having necessarily achieved the dreams of their youth, but as their parents, we couldn’t be any prouder for whom they have become, and therefore, we have to believe that we must have done something right. So, what conversations did we have? And what conversations do other parents have whose children manage to escape a tremendous amount of the dangers and issues that plague so much of our society?

Why is this a Coveted Commandment topic?

The concept of the Coveted Commandment addresses specifically the idea of building wealth. Theoretically, the Coveted Commandment looks at the 10^th commandment and says, there is something wrong with a commandment that condemns one for aspiring to achieve what others have. But if it is wrong to condemn others for their aspirations, it is equally unsettling that many of our conversations end, not begin with, “let’s kill” in order to achieve what it is we desire to have in life. We are not evening talking about the 6^th Commandment which forbids killing or murdering, we are well beyond any of the 10 commandments, in that our conversations are strictly about taking lives, regardless of the benefit, let alone, the cost to our communities, our cities, and our country. It leaves the door open to say, if only we were coveting, this would be less of a problem. But coveting is the least of our problems when as a society, killing for sport, innocent people, from children to adults, means that our conversations are so based, so inadequate, that the only solution is to talk, and its time to change our conversations, if we want to see a change not only in our communities, but throughout the world. We have to change our conversations, immediately, so that the worst we could be accountable for, is coveting.

Perfect parents raise perfect children

Let’s not be misunderstood that we believe that we raised perfect children. And let us not falsely convey that we were perfect parents. In all actuality, it may have little to do with being the perfect parents, as much as it was the perfect message. From my parents and my wife’s parents, the perfect message was short and sweet: “You’re going to go to school….” “You’re going to make something of yourself….” Or, “You’re going to get a job…”

Perhaps not in these specific contexts, but by today’s children’s standards, the above messages were clear, subtle, or but not ambiguous. The overall message was without a need for discussion, or debate. “You are going to….” The timing of these messages too, were seemingly unscheduled, but timely. They may have come at moments when we least have expected them. For example: when we wanted to watch our favorite TV program. “You are going to finish your homework before you watch any TV!” There was no debate, or negotiations.

Another example of the conversation(s) that we had with our parents would be, “When you get out of school, come straight home…” Did you sense there was an option? No, it was without question. Many conversations about school and the future with my parents could be seen by how they found themselves at school on my behalf. There were times when my parents had to go to school for me. Yes, I was a hard-head. I talked too much in class. I did a lot of detention, but I also got my butt whipped. My parents were not able to attend my school events all of the time. They worked odd hours, but they would drop me off, or let me go with someone else’s parents. There was always a knowing of where I was, or who I was with, when I wasn’t being sneaky. And sneaking around almost cost me an eye. So, I had to be careful how I deviated from the sternness of my parents.

We know that our children weren’t perfect (there goes that word perfect again), because we weren’t perfect. But our kids, well, we believe as any parents would believe, our kids were good kids. They had lots of friends, lots of toys, and lots of love. So our conversations with our children had to be as loving and unambiguous as the love our parents had for us.

Who Changed the Conversation?

I graduated from Booker T. Washington Senior High School, Class of 1974. The school, at that time was surrounded by B.W. Cooper Housing Development. Many of the students who lived in B.W. Cooper attended Booker T. I, on the other hand, lived several miles away in the lower 9^th Ward. Booker T. was said to be a better school because it taught several trades, none of which I signed up for, but I did well from 10^th to 12^th grade. My parents chose Booker T. over then Caver High School, which was located near 2 housing developments- Desire and Florida. Carver served a larger population of students, and my parents feared for my safety because of my small size (or, that’s what I was told). Never mind I was near the Magnolia Housing Development, the Melpomene Housing Development, or the aforementioned B.W. Cooper Development, as long as I was safe.

Thinking back on those times, regardless of where I attended school, there were very few people whom I knew, who even if they did drugs, weed, pot, or what have you, did not ever seem disinterested in going to school. There were kids who dropped out of schook, but they could be seen on someone else’s job site, wearing a hard hat, or wearing a shirt and tie. Sure, there were some who sat in the back of the class, slept through some classes, but they always seemed to come alive around the end of the semester to get their D’s. It seemed now, that as I look back, the conversations with many of the kids of my era, was the same. “You’re going to school…” “You’re going to make something of yourself…” “You’re going to get a job!” So, as I look at many of our young people of today, particularly our young men, I wonder to myself, who changed the conversation?

Who says to our young people today, “You can lay around, if you like…”? Or, “You can drop out of school, it’s okay…” Who changed the conversations between our young people and their parents that allows them to believe that if they don’t put any effort into building their lives, that the world is going to still make it easy for you? And who, changed the conversation that allows our children to believe that they can live their lives however they want, whether they do drugs, shoot and kill each other as well as innocent babies, that the world would turn their heads and everything would be alright? Who?

The other conversation that has changed

Again, it wasn’t perfect coming up. We had bad-ass kids. I was no angel. We had kids get put out of school. But if my memory served me right, their parents had the other conversation. “If you are not going to go to school, you’re going to work! You are not going to lay up around here all day!” Or, words to that effect. That was the apparent conversation. Today, please correct me if I am wrong, that conversation, such that it was, has changed. Who changed that conversation as well?

Are We Too Busy to Talk to Our Children?

Many of us as parents are extremely busy, so we barely have time for ourselves, let alone our children to engage in a constructive conversation. So, even though our children have the gift of gab, and are very smart, who do they ultimately talk to? Who indeed? The kids on the playground, whose parents may not talk to them either. Speculative as this maybe, I am going to hold fast to this speculation until no more babies are killed, on the regular (slang). My contention is, no matter how busy we all are, talking to our children, on the regular, is paramount to ensuring our children know how much we love them.

If we are too busy to talk to our children, we should be sure to put in our place, family and friends who share our values. Too often, we want to put our children with anyone who says that they will watch our children. We need to be careful as to those who watch our children who drink heavily, and/or do drugs in our presence, and know that they don’t necessarily change their behavior just because your child is in their presence. As best that many of us can tell, our children maybe just ripe for them to teach many of the bad habits that they themselves practice.

As busy as we maybe, we should never be too busy to know whom we can trust our children to. It becomes all evident by the conversations that we often have in general. We have every clue about the conversations that our children are going to be exposed to, whether family or friends, there should be no inconsistency in whom our children are learning from and gaining needed inspiration to achieve their dreams.

Does scolding, fussing, and spanking count?

Yes, but, everything in moderation, of course. Scolding, fussing and spanking is only productive for so long, and only when either of the three is not the only means of communication. Scolding, fussing and spanking our children should not be the only manner in which our children relate to us. Coming home from school, going to the grocery store, on the playground, or getting up first thing in the morning shouldn’t necessarily be dominated by scolding, fussing and spankings. How is a child supposed to appreciate a relationship that is combative, extremely strict, or lacking any substantive means of communication, about them, as a person? Talking to our children is key to building their self-esteem and their overall worth. Will it make them the perfect child? The probability is higher if more conversation are included. The probability of a more perfect child is greater when the conversations centers around what they like, who they like, what they don’t like, and what are their dreams (or, so I have heard). No, I am no expert, but no one else is speculating.

At least, if scolding, fussing and spanking is something one does with love as opposed to anger, it could be appreciated further down the road, that you, as a parent took the time to correct them, or to put them in check, and possibly save them from a life less desired.

Our current conversations, however slight, are based on “no value of life”

Children getting killed is not new. But it is always horrific. I can remember crying when I heard about a young 13 year old boy being killed in the 9^th ward back in the 90’s. I was grown a man. I didn’t know the little fellow. But I remember asking myself, with tears in my eyes, why is this was happening? I have cried over a number of killings in this city. Not because I knew the victims, but because I too have felt helpless. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for the families and friends of those who lost their loved ones to violence. It was a terrible tragedy then, and no less now as a set of parents have buried their 13 month-old daughter who was recently killed as her babysitter was shot in the back, in New Orleans.[9]

Other babies killed:

v In the State of New York, August 2013, a baby was shot while in her stroller.[10]

v In the City of Chicago, a baby was shot 5 times while perpetrators shot father twice; [11]

v In the State of Georgia, March 2013, a baby was shot while in her stroller, 2 teens charged;[12]

These precious souls are a snapshot in time of the violence that permeates America’s streets. And while many of us will ask what is happening, we know what is happening. We just don’t want to come face to face with the fact that we are avoiding conversation(s) with our children, many of whom are perpetrators or accessories to the fact, of murder. It is unfathomable that children whose parents talk to them, or talk with them, or spend any quality time with their children, will have children who resort to this level of violence. I can’t believe that. Correct me, if I am wrong.

Violence offers little respect for the value of life

But let us also take the time to look beyond our own backyards. Contrary to many of our beliefs, violence is a problem that knows no borders, and respects very few of us irrespective our innocence, or income. Violence is no respecter of law, of community, ideas, ideals, values, or allegiance. The Boston Bombing in April of 2013[13], showed no concern for the value of life; Sandy Hook Elementary in December 2012 [14] showed no concern for the value of life; The shooter who wounded Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords January 2011, killing 6 people and wounding several others, had no respect for the value of life; the shooters in the most historical school shooting across America, had no respect for the value of life, killing 13 and wounding 21 in the Columbine Shooting of 1999; the shootings at Dunblame, Scotland in 1992, respected no value of life, and last but not least, right here in the early part of the 21^st century, within the borders of Syria, there is no respecter of life, when innocent lives are said to be taken due to chemical warfare (debatable as to blame, the Syria government or the Syrian Rebels), but nevertheless, innocent lives were at stake, and innocent lives were taken. From all of these situations, and many like them throughout the world, we have to wonder, how did these conversation start where the end result would be the taking of innocent lives?

Are you a psychologist, psychiatrist, sociologist, or any kind of expert?

There is no doubt in my mind, that each of us believe that we know the answer to the problems that our communities face locally. And truth be told, I do believe that we all do know the solutions that would make our communities better. Productive and safer. But I also believe that our elected officials know the answer. I am sure that Police Officers know the answers. I believe that Teachers know the answers, as well. I believe that psychologists, sociologists, dermatologists, cosmetologists, and perhaps even our gardners know the solution to the problems that we face in our communities. To coin a phrase, “it doesn’t take a rocket scientist” to determine what the problem is in our society when our babies are being killed, on the regular (slang), as though it is a sport. So, what is the answer? My answer is that the conversations that we have, or fail to have with our children, have taken a toll on the minds of many of our young people, especially outside the home.

I am no expert. But for all that it matters, the experts are in hibernation. I believe that the experts are out to lunch. I believe that the so-called experts, those who could make a difference in our various communities, to help us turn so many lost lives around, are on the take. I believe that the experts are afraid to step out and call out those who are orchestrating drugs, violence and guns. I believe that the experts are out of touch, or out of concern for whether or not another 13 month old gets killed on the streets of New Orleans, Chicago, New York, or Atlanta. I am no expert, but if what I had to say had any weight, I would only recommend that parents have a long, long, long conversation with their children. Listen to what their children are saying; engage our children and find out what they are afraid of as well. Or, as parents, we need to change the conversations that we are having, because we are loosing too many of our children, and the experts have hung out their “Gone fishin’” sign. I believe the experts, who are often on the government’s payroll, are subject to restrictions that may result in lawsuits, or maybe, result in our children being placed in programs that stifle their dreams, rather than open doors that make it possible for them to achieve their greatest potential.

How do we solve this problem?

Obviously it must be a very simple, and inexpensive solution, because no one is willing to sit down and talk to our young people. Yes, we will put a musical instrument, video game, or maybe sit our children down in front of a TV to keep their minds occupied, but how much do we talk to our children? Yes, we may put them in some type of extra curricular activity such as football, basketball, tennis, or ballet, but, how much do we actually talk to our children? Or, if we are really lucky, we will push our children off on some relatives, friends, or nursery where they will watch them for endless numbers of hours until our children barely know who we are, but conversation? We give our children very little.

We have had those conversations before

For many of us as parents, we have had those conversations before with our children, but they still get in trouble. What do we do? Stop talking? I remember parents who used to say, “I have talked to that boy until I am blue in the face, and he still won’t behave!” How do we as parents measure the right amount of talking to our children if they are still a problem child? We have to know that if even if we have 2 or 3 children, that each one deserves their own special amount of attention. We may have one child whom you can say, “go do your homework”, and they would go without so much as a whimper. We may have another child whom we have to tell 3 or 4 times to go do their homework, and then we may have to check her on every 10 or 20 minutes. And then, there is the child who doesn’t listen to anyone. No matter who talks to them, no matter how much we talk to this one child, there appears to be nothing that we can say to bring them around. So which one do we focus most on? As parents, we do not have that choice. We have to remain as committed as ever to interact with each and everyone of our children, believing that every child can be saved.

If there is a possibility for one child, we have to believe that maybe the conversation is more about what we want, not what they want. The problems can’t all be handled alone. There are professionals, or experts who, for a fee, will provide some type of meaningful guidance. We can’t always be the lone solution, just don’t turn our children completely over to someone else. Our children have to know that we haven’t abandoned them. We just have to know who and know when we can’t handle our problem child by ourselves. Hint: The police aren’t the answer. And speaking of alternatives…

Alternative(s)

Can there be an alternative to not talking with our children? Can there be an option to not having the conversation that may ultimately save our children’s lives? I am not any of the specialists or so-called experts that can be called on (for a small fee) to tell us what our children need in order to be successful. I only bring to the table the fact that I am a father. When do I stop being a father? Until I die. But, I can’t resist the opportunity to be a father to other children; or other people, whom despite being younger or older than myself; who despite their ages in some cases (grown-ups), I still take them on the side and talk to them, fatherly. And surprisingly enough, they listen. Are there other alternatives to talking to our children?

I don’t think that we should have alternatives to communicating with our children. But I do believe that there should be supplemental activities to communicating. Such as? Such as being at the sporting events or dance classes that we put them into. I think that we should go to their plays at school. I think that we should go and meet with their teachers and talk to their teachers. I believe that we should partner with the teachers that teach our children and thank them immensely for their contributions to our children’s future.

Supplemental to talking with our children, we should eat with our children, have lunch, or dinner. If our children only eat their lunch or dinner alone because we left something in the refrigerator, then we are taking valuable time away from learning something very important about our son or daughter. For example, we might learn that they decided to become a priest, a tightrope walker, or a fireman. Maybe, if we spend supplemental time with our children, we may discover that they have a crush on their teacher, or someone in another classroom. Maybe, if we have supplemental time with our children, we may find out just how smart they are in geography, English or math.

Feel free to ask the experts. Any of these suggestions could work if we take the time to have a conversation with our children. The experts know more than I do. After all, I am just a father, a parent, and a grandfather, who talks with his children, not at them.

Pawpaw, will you read to me “The Selfish Giant”?

If there is a real secret to ensuring our children’s success, it is reading to them. There are many who would try to find a way for someone else to read to their children. Some parents may try to find a way to put their voices on video or some other recording device so that their children could always hear their voices when they weren’t available. That maybe a good start, but what could be a better start than having a big book with colorful pictures, and characters reading to our little ones? For us, as parents, it worked before, so now, we have our grandson. He didn’t like for us to read to him at first. But, gradually he would sit through 2 or 3 pages. We would ask him (age 4 then) if he remembered what was read to him and he would start telling us about what was read to him. But it took a while before one day after we had read a story to him and he asked: “Pawpaw, next time I come here, will you read ‘The Selfish Giant’ to me?” It was a story that we had read to him before, and I thought that he didn’t like it. But he asked that we read this very unassuming story to him, again. It was a surprise. A very pleasant surprise.

Wait till your daddy gets home!

Early on in my life, I had met friends who have come from large families. Some families as large as 10 to 13 kids, same mother, same daddy. They fought among each other a lot, but were very protective of each other. But, they never got into trouble at school. Some of them were trouble-some but not troubling. 10-13 different personalities, oftentimes in small homes. Their mothers fussed at them, their daddy’s punished them. But they all ate at the same table. Imagine what the conversations were like at those tables! There were a lot of elbows that had to be taken off of the tables. I bet there were a lot of “Don’t talk with your mouths full!” I am sure there were a lot of “Say excuse before leaving the table’s”. Oh, and I am sure there were a lot of “Bow your heads, and let us say grace’s”.

I point these images out, as I remember them, because I don’t remember any of those kids growing up ever shooting babies. I don’t remember them doing drugs. I remember fathers working and mothers staying at home. I remember my friends fearing the worst because that old familiar refrain was very frightening: “Wait till your father gets home!” Whatever that meant to them, it scared the be-jesus out of me. I knew what that meant at my house, shucks there were 10-13 of them. Who was going to get it, when “your father gets home”?

Here is the thing, in houses where these situations happened, the conversations were silly, and perhaps meant very little. The conversations however were a subterfuge to the underlying goal: to make sure that all 10-13 kids went to and finished school. If they wanted to go to college, they were on their own, but high school was not an option. They were going to get up everyday and go to school. They were going to behave in school, and they were going to come home and do their homework. They could play after homework. Eating the prepared meals was not an option, and eating at the table, as a family was imperative, take their baths, and lights were out by 9-everybody, mother and father as well. These were tightly run ships/homes. And the kids were never more happy. What must those conversations have been like? Priceless, is my guess. Who changed those conversations of my youth?

Who changed conversations of my youth from just playing football, or baseball, or just playing with dolls to doing drugs, guns, settling differences by shooting or killing, dropping out of school, and domestic violence? Who changed those conversations where families could set the rules? Where police officers were never involved in the raising of children? Who changed those conversations from “Come home straight after school” to juvenile detention centers overflowing to capacity because parents “can’t” control their kids? Who changed the conversations that took children from their homes, and turned them not only against their parents, but their communities, and ultimately, turned themselves against their own dreams? Who?

Changing those conversations back to the old days is hardly a possibility. We are not going to be able to put that genie back in the bottle. But, let’s all agree that the conversations of yesteryear that kept families together, are vital today. Many of our parents didn’t have degrees, they just had passion. They had a deep-seated love and a stern look that let us know that they weren’t playing around. Changing the conversations of today for our young people will take a tremendous effort, because well, we want change immediately. We want our children to be good boys and girls, but we will have to change our conversations so that every time we engage them, we are good fathers and mothers. We will have to change our conversations so that what we tell our children will inspire them to achieve the dreams that they are able to accomplish.

The key to changing our conversations with our children is that we all must be in one accord. We all must adopt a conversational formula that is just as eminent at school as it is at home. Our conversations to our children, must include words such as goals, achievement, success, and graduation. Our conversations must return to a time where we, as parents and community, share the same passion to encourage as we did when we were growing up. We must work to recapture that best teacher; that best coach, or that best church member, all of whom reached out to us, and who were always able to find something special about us that made us want to be the best that we could be.

What is significant about changing the current conversations that discourage our children is that we do not need permission to inspire, or encourage. We don’t need permission to give our children a hug, or a congratulatory handshake. We don’t need permission to take them out for a special lunch, or a snack. As long as our time spent with out children is built on the love that we knew we craved and deserved as children ourselves, we should have no trouble in recapturing and creating as similar an environment that we either missed out on, or that was created for us coming up.

Disclaimer: Information provided here is speculative. Please consult with your clergy, child psychologist, legal representative or mental health profession. Information provided here while deem reliable is not guaranteed.